Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
