Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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