Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
When are your genitals available?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Randomize
