So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
