If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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