you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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