y did u give ur computer a hand job?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
