i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
