my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize