I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
