I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
