fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
