He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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