I wish I could teleport
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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