It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
