They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize