she looked like the before picture.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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