she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
