I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
In other news, I just burned my penis
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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