the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He told me they were just razor bumps!
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
