She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
