every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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