My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
