Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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