When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
