I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
