drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
