yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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