I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
