my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
