So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
