I'm going to rape someone's good day.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I still have a little drunk in my system
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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