Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Randomize
