Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize