You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize