Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
