I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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