You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
She is in my trunk
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
