I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
