You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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