I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
