Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
