Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
