That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
