im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
We had to coat check the pizza.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize