I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
