New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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