When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
