you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
