Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
