i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
