I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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