How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
