I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
