So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
We got so high we made milksteak
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
