I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
