I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Two words: blizzard sex
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
