Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
