I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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