I hope mine doesn't look like that
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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