Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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