nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
