Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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